Darkness Rolls In...

I just hate it when the darkness takes over. You have no warning it is going to happen and you have no way to stop it.  It is like the rolling clouds I saw in the mountains in CA. One min the sky is clear and blue and the next it is covered in billowy grey clouds. That is how depression takes over your life.

I have these dark spots on rare occasions but I noticed they are getting more frequent and harder to climb out of them. It is like falling down a dark damp well and you are doing good to just grab the side to keep from slipping all the way down. Sometimes, you get so tired of holding on, that to just let go and fall would seem more a blessing.

I am a Christian, I have all the faith in my Lord and yes I believe he can heal me. Others say he only will heal those that believe. Indicating that I don’t, but…. They don’t know. They don’t know me. They don’t know my prayers or my pain or my healing that has happen already.   They don’t know my relationship with my God.

I had a dream 3 yrs ago that I would be going on a journey. It would be hard and lonely. I had to walk this journey because it was the only way I could help walk another through this when the time comes, someone who could not make it alone. I accepted that in my dream and in my prayers.

I was never promised healing in the dream. I was never promised joy or even anything for that matter. Only that I was to help another when the time was right.

Today the darkness rolled in. This time I felt it coming.  This time I knew it would be worse than ever, I just don’t know why. There are enough reasons really. It is Christmas, (but I normally love Christmas). The whole world is grieving the loss of 27 innocent lives taken a few days ago. (Every time I hear about this I also remember the 19 lost in our own tragedy.)  I tried to do something wonderful for my father-in-law along with the rest of the family and it blew up, costing much more pain to this family then you could ever imagine.  I could go on but… even if you pile all these things on top of one another, they don’t add up to this horrible darkness I am in right now.

I am so tired of screwing up, messing up, saying the wrong things, not saying the right things.  I just don’t think one person should cause as much heartache as I seem to cause. I am not feeling sorry for me, I am feeling sorry for those around me. Those that share my life, those I love and touch and adore every day.  All I can do is say again…. I am sorry!

And then pray the darkness lifts once more…..