Darkness Rolls In...

I just hate it when the darkness takes over. You have no warning it is going to happen and you have no way to stop it.  It is like the rolling clouds I saw in the mountains in CA. One min the sky is clear and blue and the next it is covered in billowy grey clouds. That is how depression takes over your life.

I have these dark spots on rare occasions but I noticed they are getting more frequent and harder to climb out of them. It is like falling down a dark damp well and you are doing good to just grab the side to keep from slipping all the way down. Sometimes, you get so tired of holding on, that to just let go and fall would seem more a blessing.

I am a Christian, I have all the faith in my Lord and yes I believe he can heal me. Others say he only will heal those that believe. Indicating that I don’t, but…. They don’t know. They don’t know me. They don’t know my prayers or my pain or my healing that has happen already.   They don’t know my relationship with my God.

I had a dream 3 yrs ago that I would be going on a journey. It would be hard and lonely. I had to walk this journey because it was the only way I could help walk another through this when the time comes, someone who could not make it alone. I accepted that in my dream and in my prayers.

I was never promised healing in the dream. I was never promised joy or even anything for that matter. Only that I was to help another when the time was right.

Today the darkness rolled in. This time I felt it coming.  This time I knew it would be worse than ever, I just don’t know why. There are enough reasons really. It is Christmas, (but I normally love Christmas). The whole world is grieving the loss of 27 innocent lives taken a few days ago. (Every time I hear about this I also remember the 19 lost in our own tragedy.)  I tried to do something wonderful for my father-in-law along with the rest of the family and it blew up, costing much more pain to this family then you could ever imagine.  I could go on but… even if you pile all these things on top of one another, they don’t add up to this horrible darkness I am in right now.

I am so tired of screwing up, messing up, saying the wrong things, not saying the right things.  I just don’t think one person should cause as much heartache as I seem to cause. I am not feeling sorry for me, I am feeling sorry for those around me. Those that share my life, those I love and touch and adore every day.  All I can do is say again…. I am sorry!

And then pray the darkness lifts once more…..

 

God's Time

 

God's Time!

 

 

Let me just say… I have been having a bit of a rough spell of late. I won’t go into details because they don’t matter. I really let it get to me yesterday morning and I broke down to my daughter. Yea, I even cried. (Something I try VERY hard not to do). I ended with, If only I could understand why things have to be this way. I did nothing wrong yet, I stand accused. ( I have been praying to understand this daily for some time now.)

We went to the post office yesterday in Norman to drop off a package. The car in front of us had a customized tag. It said… ** PSALM37** I could not think of which one that was so I pull up the bible app on my phone and Jen read it to me. (Yea left my glasses at home again).

God is good all the time!! What I love about HIM most is HIS sense of humor in how HE delivers HIS messages sometimes. Come on… a car license tag!!! I love it!!!

(NO… I am NOT going to tell you what Psalm 37 says but I will give you a link at the bottom of the blog!!) The link is the message version. You can change it to which ever one you prefer.

David's instructions on how we should handle our envy

of the wicked man's prosperity in Psalm 37:

 

Do good, trust God, and do not worry! If we patiently continue doing the things that God has commanded us to do—focusing on our own character, rather than complaining about another's—the scales of justice will come into their proper balance in God's time. (See that is the HARD part God's time!! We want it NOW!)

 

Sounds so simple doesn't it? Yet, when we have been unjustly attacked, it becomes so hard to do what is right. We want to shout to the world that we have been wronged and that they person that wronged us is gloating about it. They have damaged our character and we want to strike back in so many ways. We want to scream about all the wrongs this person has done to so many. The lies that have been told and the scamming that have been done.

 

So instead of striking back, I will pray for this person. Pray their heart can be changed. Pray for them to be able to feel the love they are so jealous of others receiving. Pray that someday, Jesus will touch their life as he has mine and changed it! Changed it so much that I am actually ABLE to do what is right in a situation like this… today.

 

 

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+37&version=MSG

 

SLS

A long time ago, I joined a “complaint free world” group. We had pretty purple bracelets that we wore. Whenever, we would find ourselves complaining about something, we would switch the bracelet to the other wrist. The goal was to go 28 days without changing the bracelet.  I am ashamed to admit that it took me DAYS to go 28 mins not to mention 28 days. (Which I never did reach)

On this journey towards 28 days without complaining,

I learned a lot about the four typical phases of learning:

1.     Unconscious incompetence

Before I began I didn’t think that I complain that much, so 28 days without complaining should be relatively easy.

2.     Conscious competence

After a while I found out that I had to change my wristband more often than I thought I would

3.     Unconscious competence  (working on this one still)

Then you will find out new ways to handle situations and learn how not to complain

4        unconscious competence

And my GOAL is that someday I won’t need the wristband anymore, because I’ve trained myself not to complain anymore

I have decided to once again begin this journey.

 I am doing this because I have a friend that loved me enough

to point out what I did not see myself.

This doesn’t mean that I can’t point out if something is not right. In that case, I need to just stick to the facts. An example of this would be if I ordered a turkey sandwich and I got a ham sandwich instead I can either complain about it …”Why did you bring me Ham when I clearly ordered turkey”. Instead you could just say, I believe I ordered turkey would you mind checking that for me. This way I solve the problem and show respect for the person that made my order.

One area this really hit home to me was: No complaining also means no gossiping. Try as I can, I do fall into this sin,,, even if it was only listening to others.

I mean, you can still talk about others. But when talking about others, only say something when you can say something positive. And only say something you would also have said (in those exact words) if that person was with you in the room right now. Back to the old saying of: If you can’t say something nice about someone else, then don’t say anything  After all the truth is …  To notice something in someone else is the first step to recognizing this in yourself –

the first step from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence.

By complaining I am only making myself a victim and victims do not become winners. Just by changing my thoughts to gratitude and solutions, I can attract more of what I do want. That’s the Law of Attraction in action. You can’t control everything in life and complaining doesn’t change the situation, (boy don’t we all know this to be true).

Well, I no longer have the purple bracelet from long ago but I did just receive a Corbin’s Crew (cancer sucks) bracelet. I can’t think of a better reminder to use on my journey then this one. If anyone has the right to complain, it is this teen. Diagnosed with CA and fighting the hard battle with surgery, Chemo and radiation.  I can look at my bracelet and thank God that all my complaints are minor compared to this young man.  Then change my pity party to one of positive points in my life.

Anyone care to join me??